Not Easy To Be Me
by Miles Above My Head
Summary: Shawn Mallory was found to be a murderer and killed. Natara and Mal are now on a new case. Things are slightly awkward between them, but they still care for each other. Will something unexpected change all that again? M for language.
1. I Have A Problem

**This story is intended to take place one month after Shawn Mallory was killed. Sorry if the timing doesn't really work, but just go along with it. ;) By the way, the inspiration for the crime mentioned is taken from the news yesterday. I just heard the police found several body parts scattered in the same general area, and think they're from the same person. So I was like 'sounds like a CoD...' ;) Anyway, this is the second new-story I've written this morning..I'm going to work on the Remember Me Remix now. XD wish me luck, I NEED IT. review please?(:**

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><p>"Here's another one," Special Agent Natara Williams called to her partner.<p>

"What is it?" Detective Mal Fallon asked.

"Another hand."

"Damn."

"Maybe we should get all this back to Kai and Amy?"

Mal nodded and tugged the bag over to her, as she threw the severed body part inside.

"Who the hell would do this? What a sicko!" Mal exclaimed.

"Mal, they obviously have a problem," Natara sighed. "We'll find them."

She had bags under her eyes and kept yawning, as she reached for her coffee.

"Nat, exactly how many days have you been up trying to figure this out?"

"I don't know, two? Three?" she replied between sips. "Oh, and don't call me Nat."

"You need to sleep," he pushed her gently into the passenger's seat of her car. "I'll drive you home, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks Mal, but I think I'll come to the crime lab with you. I want to ask Amy a few questions."

"About what?"

"Nothing Mal, relax," she sighed.

He narrowed his eyes and slid into the driver's seat.

When they arrived at the precinct, Natara shot out of the car and ran to the crime lab. When Mal slowly followed, he sighed. She didn't tell him anything anymore. It was always Amy. He entered the crime lab to see them huddled together whispering hurriedly and Kai looking over suspiciously.

"Hey Kai," Mal said and he turned to him.

"Mal!"

Mal had been forced to befriend Kai, since he so often found himself in the crime lab these days with Natara only with Amy. He didn't even understand how things had gotten so cold between them. He pulled the bag of severed body parts inside.

"Here. Found these same spot. Same person?" Mal recited dully.

"Let me check. The results won't be in for a few hours. You gonna wait?" Kai asked excitedly. "We could-"

Mal glanced over at Natara and Amy. He cut Kai off and strolled over to them, causing Natara to jump.

"Mal _please_ stop being so nosey." Mal frowned.

"Since when do we keep secrets around here?" he asked his formerly-best-friend.

"Mal, some things you just can't…. I just can't…."

"Can't tell me? Why not?"

"Because…because I…"

Mal grinned. "Exactly. What is it? A boy? Think I'll be _jealous_?" Mal teased.

"Mal!" Natara shrieked, tears swimming in her eyes. "Don't be such a…such a…"

"Hey, hey now, stop that," he said desperately as her tears spilled over. Amy glared at him.

"Leave her alone, Mal!" she scolded, hugging Natara.

"Why does he hate me?" Natara murmured into Amy's shoulder.

"Aw, he doesn't hate you, dear. Do you Mal?" Amy glared at him again.

"N-no.. Nat, what's wrong? Why are you so-" Mal hesitated.

"You leave me alone, Mal Fallon!" Natara screamed at him, pulling away from Amy.

"Natara what's _wrong_?" he yelled back. "Just tell me already! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Natara turned away to cry again and Amy put a hand on her shoulder, whispering questions and suggestions into her ear. Mal watched patiently until Natara unsteadily turned around.

He pulled her into a hug and she whispered, her lips by his ear, "What would you say if I said I'm pregnant?"

"That depends," he responds. "Whose is it?"

She hesitates, looks at Amy who nods, and whispers back, barely audible.

"Shawn Mallory's."


	2. Always Stay With Me

**I appreciate every single review I get. So I'd like to give special shoutouts tooooooooo..**

**A bit of a nerd: Aww thank you so much, I've always wanted to _write _a story like this! ;D lol I never even thought about her being pregnant with his baby until I was in the middle of writing this, I wish I'd thought she was in the game! It would've added so much more suspense in my mind... bahahaha**

**But I Have Promises To Keep: 1. Yeah, I think I may change the rating, I just am really afraid it'll be too low lol and 2. I love your stories so so so so so so much, jsuk. You're one of my favorite authors on here:D**

**I love all of you guys, even if you didn't review! Thank you so much for reading my stories, this is the first place I've EVER shared anything I've written publicly, and I really appreciate all of the nice things you say! Even if you said mean things, tbh I wouldn't care because I love criticism. I love you sooo much(: Enjoyyyy:D**

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><p>Mal let go of her and backed away. "No."<p>

"Mal, please!" Natara gasped, desperately. "Please, listen to me!"

"You're pregnant with Mallory's kid."

"Mal listen to me right now! You listen, please Mal! I didn't want to…I didn't ask for… I didn't try to… Mal I didn't want a baby!" she cried.

"You're pregnant with Mallory's kid!"

"Mal I tried to tell him no! I tried… I didn't want this to happen! Remember that day, Mal? It was after he and I broke up. It was after we knew he was a murderer and psycho. It was before you…you shot him. I went alone to try to find him, remember?" she babbled quickly.

"So you let him do THIS to you?" Mal replied angrily. "Nat, there's no way he could've done this without you being able to stop him. No _way_."

"Mal, no, you don't understand!" Tears spilled out of her eyes. "I couldn't stop him…he told me…he said…he said, 'I thought you loved me Natara. I thought you were special. I thought you were the one.' Mal, I was just standing there and then someone came out from behind me and grabbed my gun and knocked me out and…Mal, I'm sorry this is all my fault!"

Amy emerged from behind Natara, where she had silently been listening to the argument unfold. She hugged Natara and glared at Mal, shaking her head at him.

He sighed. "I'm sorry Nat. I don't blame you. I should've let you explain. So what are you going to do? Are you going to …keep it?"

She turned and looked him straight in the eye. And the second she said "It's a boy," he knew she would have to keep the baby. He knew she was already far too attached to that little boy. He knew, since she had taken the trouble of finding out the baby's gender, she was already bonding with the little infant in her stomach.

"I'd change what happened if I could," she lied.

"No you wouldn't," he replied smoothly and kindly. "…Have you decided what to name him yet?"

She smiled slightly for the first time, "Oh, I don't know. I was thinking Charles."


	3. This Isn't Forever

**Hi guys! Sorry for the shortness of this! But I had something to tell you. :) So yes, I chose the name Charles (Charlie) because that was my pop-pop's name and he died a little over a year ago, so I wanted to commemorate him somehow. I write poems about him _all _the time, and I miss him so much, so this one's for you pop-pop. I wrote an essay about him for english class and at the end I wrote how I write stories and poetry about him and my english teacher told me he'd be proud. (: Okay, and secondly I have a SUPER RANDOM EXCITING FACT FOR YOU!**

**_MY BIRTHDAY IS IN THREE DAYS! :D :D :D Hurray!_**

**Who's excited? XD I know I am! I'm _finally _turning fifteen. Thank GOD! I'm sick of being the only 10th grader in the world that's halfway through the school year and still 14 years old. I'm not a normal person. I'm the youngest person in my class, clearly, and I always have been and probably always will be. :p so this is a really exciting week for me.**

**I can't post much more today because I can't write for like 5 hours because I have ice skating lessons, and I also have to study a bit for my Spanish quiz tomorrow (ewwwwie.) but I just wanted to thank you so much for all of your reviews, I LOVE YOU _SO _MUCH.**

**PLEASE ENJOY:D**

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><p>"You're adorable, you know that?" Mal laughed. "You want your child to be named after me?"<p>

"Pshh, no," Natara lied. "I just love the name Charles…Charlie…Char…"

"Oh shut up, liar," Mal grinned. "No one nicknames their kid _Char_.."

"Why not?" Natara whined.

"Because it's silly!"

"Char is adorable! Fine…I'll call him Charlie, then!"

"Good, hey Nat? Are you worried?"

Natara looked down at her shoes, embarrassed slightly. "Oh, I don't know. I mean, yeah, I'm scared to raise a kid. Especially alone, but…"

"You're not alone."

"What?"

"Nat, you'll never be alone. You have me."

"Well, _yes_, but I mean like my baby won't have a real _dad_," Natara sighed. "That's one thing I can never give him."

"That's not true. Not _never_… I mean, you're an amazing person. One day you'll have another boyfriend and then…"

She cut him off, "Mal, no. I'm never going to have another boyfriend because I can't ever trust anyone again. It's just obviously not meant to work out for me."

"See, that's crazy! You trust me, don't you?"

She paused. "I…I do."

"Well there you go, you can still trust people because you've proven it by trusting me," Mal said knowingly.

"But Mal that's different. I trust you because we're partners and you're my best friend. Anyone else, they're never going to be my best friend or my partner, so love just won't ever work out for me," Natara answered gently.

"But you have me. I'm always going to be your best friend, and your partner too. Think about it, Nat, I…"

She interrupted again, "Mal, yeah, you're always going to be my best friend and my partner too, probably, but it's not the same. It's not like you're my boyfriend… It's not like we're going to get married someday. It's not like someday we'll have more kids and live together until we grow old. It's not like that. We're just best friends…"

Natara looked up at him, hand on her stomach. She studied the look he was giving her but for once the top FBI profiler could not read minds. For once, her brain was unable to tell what he was thinking and feeling. Brains don't understand love.

She should've asked her heart instead.

_Sometimes I think, when I'm alone_  
><em>You might just feel the same way<em>  
><em>What if you really loved me back?<em>  
><em>What if you wanted me to stay?<em>  
><em>I'd be too scared to ask of course<em>  
><em>You call me just a best friend<em>  
><em>You'd never consider me as more<em>  
><em>I'm just a helpful hand to lend<em>  
><em>I'm just another childish man<em>  
><em>I'm just another partner to you<em>  
><em>I'm just a lonely, drunk old guy<em>  
><em>You're far out of my league, too<em>  
><em>You're far too pretty, far too perfect<em>  
><em>On top of that, you're smart<em>  
><em>And I'm just another blue collared cop<em>  
><em>And you're the partner that stole my heart.<em>


	4. I Can See Clearly Now

**Woahhhh this is really short but I wanted to update & say I love you all so much for your reviews. Best reviews I've ever gotten, can't stop smiling. I love you(:**

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><p>"We could do it, you know."<p>

She looked across the room at Mal, sitting at his desk, looking up at her, having abandoned his paperwork.

"Do what?" Natara asked.

"Raise your baby. I could help you," he answered calmly.

Wondering what brought on this random volunteering, she replied hesitantly, "Mal…"

"No really."

"Mal that makes no sense. Two friends don't simply 'raise a baby.'"

"I know," he stood up and walked over, leaning over her desk, hands on it. "I know two friends don't just raise a baby."

"So…? Then why did you…?" Natara stopped. "No, Mal. No. I can't. I told you, I can't. Just stop, okay? Please?"

"Nat, hear me out. Come on. You know it's perfect. It would work and your baby, he would have a daddy at last."

"I don't want him to have a daddy that way. I want him to have a real dad. But that's not possible. So forget it, me and him, we're already going to be a messed up family. I'd better keep it that way," Natara sighed.

Mal stopped her, "Nat do you even know what love is? Or does your brain not let you understand? Doesn't it suck when your smartness blocks what your heart is trying to tell you?"

"I'm not in love with him!" Natara half-shrieked. "I never _was_!"

"What? Who?" Mal's face screwed into a frown for the first time in the conversation. "Who are _you _talking about?"

"Oscar, of course. I can't just go running back to him, go out with him again, and pretend to trust him so Charlie'll have a father."

"Oscar? Why are we talking about him?" Mal questioned, confused again.

"I thought that's who you meant… Who were _you _talking about?"

"I… Nobody. Just someone I know that likes you. They work here."

"Who?"

"No one. It's fine," he dropped his gaze and trudged back to his desk, going back to his paperwork, leaving Natara dumbfounded.

She finally realized what he'd meant all along. She finally knew who had a crush on her. She was infinitely more confused and conflicted.

She had figured out how to listen to her heart, and it was screaming loud and clear.

There was someone else in the SFPD that had a crush, and it was on Malachi Charles Fallon.

_Her heart spoke loud_

_She knew what to do_

_She'd finally listened_

_She knew it was true_

_The friendly, pretty profiler_

_With her mind quiet at last_

_Realized who she loved_

_She hadn't known in the past_

_Now what was she to do?_

_She had let him down_

_He knew before she did_

_Now she'd made him frown_

_He knew what love was_

_Whom he held dear_

_She hadn't seen it before_

_All the times he'd been near_

_Now she had a choice to make_

_To tell or to not?_

_Either way, she'd love him forever_

_Whether they married or fought._


	5. But Don't Say That You Loved Me

__**Sorry for how 'fluffy' this is...well at some points. In Natara's mind. But how equally depressing it is outside of her mind. Especially at the end. K I'm going to eat now. Bye. Enjoy. (:**

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><p><em>Have you ever had a crush on someone, or loved someone, but you were too scared to tell them? Have you ever spent days working up the courage to talk to them or tell them, and then they let you down?<em>

_I believe that if they tell you they don't feel the same way, but you continue to like them and never stop, that right there is love._

"Mal, can we talk please?"

"I'm kind of busy, can't it wait?" he responded gruffly.

"No."

"Fine, let's go in my office," he sighed.

Natara thought back to the past four nights since she decided she liked Mal as more than a friend. They were virtually sleepless; she'd woken up every morning unsure whether she'd drifted off or not. How was she just supposed to tell him she liked him back, when he'd never directly stated it?

"Nat, can we make this quick? I really have to…"

"Can't you just listen to me? Please? I need to talk to you. Please just listen before I chicken out again," she blurted out. She'd tried to tell him for days now, but when he gave his 'busy' excuse, she just accepted it, too scared to counter. Today was the day.

_Can you feel my heart beat fast? I want this to last._

Her heart rate quickened as he sat down. "Sure," he replied uneasily. "Go ahead."

"Okay…well, remember when you said we should raise Charlie together? And how we agreed friends don't raise babies together usually? Well I was thinking maybe we aren't just friends anyway."

"What do you mean?" his eyes narrowed slightly.

"I mean, we're best friends and we're partners and we're together every single day all day. We trust each other more than anyone else; well I know that's how I feel anyway. And you're not going to tell me you've never felt anything more towards me. I realized that day that I felt more than friendship towards you…and I …I've been working up the courage to tell you for days now." Natara stared hopefully toward him but his face was impassive for a long moment. Finally, she let her breath out as he opened his mouth to respond.

"Natara, you wanna know something? Do you remember when we met at Fisherman's Wharf for the Maskmaker Case? I was in love with you since the moment we first spoke. I didn't believe in love, let alone love at first sight, until I saw you. I hinted at it, I suggested it indirectly; I prayed you'd figure it out. But you never did until now, well if you had, you didn't act on it which I assumed meant you didn't feel the same way. Then last week, I saw it in your eyes Nat, and I knew you did," he paused, gathering the courage to tell her something else, what, she didn't know. He took a deep breath and rushed, "Nat, I loved you, I really did. And I don't believe you can fall _out _of love with someone so I suppose I'll always love you in some part of my heart. But I can't do this because if you really loved me back, you would've known sooner. You would've done something. Love isn't scared."

Natara stood staring after him, her eyes glistening with tears, as he turned sadly and walked out, leaving her there alone. Once again.

It's not like she hadn't known. She'd expected the worst, but the problem was her idea of the 'worst scenario' was that he didn't feel the same way and that was that. Now she had a baby to care for, _and _a heart to mend. But how was she supposed to fix her broken heart when she knew steps away from her was a man that loved her as much as she loved him back, but refused to act on it? How could she ever heal when she knew deep down she'd ruined her chances at being with the one she loved?


End file.
